So I haven't written in a while, life gets in the way sometimes . I had a dream the other night. Normal run of the mill dream I suppose. The interesting thing is that unlike a " normal" dream I kept waking up to reality for a few short moments and just as quickly falling back into the surrealness of my dreams. My mind didn't want to be awake but didn't like what I was dreaming about. A woman. A woman that I know, not as well as I would like, but we are friends. Not getting into detail, it was a very pleasent dream. The experience left me contemplating, again, my own reality.
Why did my subconscience not want to have this particular dream. I quickly rationalized that it was because of the
subject of my dream. It had to be. I can't honestly say that I have feelings for her but in recent days I have found myself thinking alot about her. I'm a grown man, and though it has been a decade and a half since I was really single and available, it's hard to go against what you've conditioned yourself for and that automatic reaction. The small amount of guilt I feel is a residual from a relationship that is dead and gone. So "what's the big deal?!?? " I say to myself. The answer is simple, she scares me. Most connections at a personal level do. Not a overwhelming heart stopping kind of fear but one that causes you to run the opposite direction, screaming and yelling.
" oh hell no!!! " the brain says and the feet follow. It's not a literal escape but one we put out to keep people at arms length. We all do it to some degree, even with relationships that aren't of the romantic variety. Work, family, friends and potential mates. So the trick is to recognize and defeat this autonomous reaction. Carpe deim, baby ! Easier said than done I'm most cases, since we don't normally realize we are doing it. Once you do, it can be a liberating. Freeing yourself to experience life in a pure form, without your own bullshit in the way. Running at things instead of from them. I've had flashes of this in my life, short lived but incredible. If your lucky, you can find that kind of center in your life and hang on to it, because you should fight for it with everything you got. the other choice is to be forever " Chasing Amy". A life lived in regret is not a life worth living. Regret nothing, expect everything
Stay true
;ps
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