W T F

Any normal person faced with challenging situations, has two choices.

   To act or not act . It's pretty simple you've got to shit or get off the pot. 

 So into the never, once more dear friends. We can never tell if we are making the right decisions. in the end, it doesn't matter. We must deal with whatever life throws at us, like it or not.

   Life will continue with or without our participation. You can choose to live or be stagnant. How you make that choice is sometimes painful. Facing the truth about ourselves is never an easy task.

    It can reveal things about you that you either don't, can't or won't see or admit

   The truth , I mean the real truth , can be a bitch to reconcile. But in order to move forward, we must face ourselves.

Sometimes you just have to say " WTF" and go for it.

     Stay true 

       PS

Fear and loafing.........

Sometimes things in life that are supposed to be automatic, aren't.

Situations arise that defy logic, people didn't act/react the way we expect.

So we act/react in inappropriate ways 

Ways that defy logic, ways that if we had any sense what so ever, we wouldn't act on. Human emotion is a funny thing. Affairs of the heart complicate matters even further. Rational thought goes out the window. We make decisions based on emotion rather than what is truly best for us, causing ourselves more pain and agony. There are consequences for our actions we don't see at the time of such outbursts, things that have far-reaching implications that can effect things like finances, relationships and your freedom.

 I have made some if these choices in my own life and have/am dealing with those issues, not because its what I want but I have no choice. The bed you have made is the one you must lie in. 

In my search for what the hell is wrong with me, I've come to realize that fear is the basis for most if not all of the poor decisions I've made. Fear of rejection, of loss, of not being able to live up to someone else's expectations. Or having to take responsibility for someone else's well being. My fear has always been that I will work for everything I have always wanted, only to have it snatched away at the last moment. It was eventually,in a New York minute. Poof! Gone!  Like a joke who's punch line I don't get. "What?!?"

 The reality was that it was slipping away from me for a long time. A situation I neither dealt with or acknowledged. The slow death of a relationship is agonizing for both parties, but the fear of being alone overrides the unhappiness for awhile. In the end there is just nothing left to fight for.  Fear is the mind killer.   Sounds silly because its a movie quote( Dune for the uninitiated ) but it's rings quite true.  

The only thing that has stopped

 me has always been...... Me 

I must overcome myself if I am to succeed. Whatever that takes.

 Fear is the mind killer. 

Stay true

P

Blogs, Xmas and gunshots Happy New Year

Well. 2014   

Another year has started, another one has died. So many changes this year that my head is spinning from the whiplash of being yanked from emotion to emotion. Situation to situation.my life has never been an easy one, but 2013 was trying to  say the least . The end of era so to speak. In that everything has changed to an unrecognized point. The world looks foreign to me, an alien planet where everyone looks the same but they don't know who I am.  I ended a relationship to go back to " the one" I thought I'd grow old with . A relationship started that was unexpected and beautiful and exciting.

It terrified me so much, I allowed my insecurities to cause the end of not only that bond but to cause the end of a 15 yr love affair with the only woman I will ever love. My brother left this mortal coil, leaving me with regrets and unfinished things to say. I hadn't talk to him in months. By the end of the year I had been to jail for assault and depending on the few friends I have left to help me restart and rebuild, heartbroken and dejected . So 2013 can blow me. You suck !!! 2014 has to have some good coming my way . A couple of things in the horizon that looks promising in the coming year  so we will see what happens but guarantee something will

Stay true 

P

Beginnings

Today I start a task . It will be hard and it will be lengthy . I do not know how things will end up but it has to better than what I have put myself and others thru as of late .it will take a lot of looking long and hard at myself, admitting my faults, mistakes and wrongdoings . Owning my behavior and fixing some issues, putting the blame where it belongs. On my self.  

I don't expect many to have any faith I will do anything to change my situation . I expect nothing less . When those close to you get tried of hearing your voice , then change is in order . The man I have become I have become is not the man I wish to be. I have lost everything because of my refusal to allow anyone to tell me how to live or treat others . I am always right . Damn the consequences . I blame my refusal to take blame and insecurities about myself for my anger and control issues . I never feel good enough so sometimes I stop trying. As a way of living up(or down) to my low self opinion. I'm long winded and think I know more than I do . I was fooled by my own arrogance 

Trusting when I should have been on guard cause the wolf is always at the door. My reactions to bad news are more bad news most times. I can't stand not getting my way. Or feeling as though I am not in complete control. I treat the ones close to me like they don't matter so they can't love me because  I am unworthy of them.  Because I feel unworthy to even myself. I lend to much on my love ones when times are bad for me because I lack the inner strength to , emotionally, physically and some time financially  I am draining to the ones I love the most when I'm in a rut. When there is no hope . I am a work in progress, looking at ones self and your feelings and motivation is a good place to start .