Beginnings

Today I start a task . It will be hard and it will be lengthy . I do not know how things will end up but it has to better than what I have put myself and others thru as of late .it will take a lot of looking long and hard at myself, admitting my faults, mistakes and wrongdoings . Owning my behavior and fixing some issues, putting the blame where it belongs. On my self.  

I don't expect many to have any faith I will do anything to change my situation . I expect nothing less . When those close to you get tried of hearing your voice , then change is in order . The man I have become I have become is not the man I wish to be. I have lost everything because of my refusal to allow anyone to tell me how to live or treat others . I am always right . Damn the consequences . I blame my refusal to take blame and insecurities about myself for my anger and control issues . I never feel good enough so sometimes I stop trying. As a way of living up(or down) to my low self opinion. I'm long winded and think I know more than I do . I was fooled by my own arrogance 

Trusting when I should have been on guard cause the wolf is always at the door. My reactions to bad news are more bad news most times. I can't stand not getting my way. Or feeling as though I am not in complete control. I treat the ones close to me like they don't matter so they can't love me because  I am unworthy of them.  Because I feel unworthy to even myself. I lend to much on my love ones when times are bad for me because I lack the inner strength to , emotionally, physically and some time financially  I am draining to the ones I love the most when I'm in a rut. When there is no hope . I am a work in progress, looking at ones self and your feelings and motivation is a good place to start .