Hold my beer and watch this shit.......

What up 

   It's been awhile so I thought I'd write some, get something's off my chest.

First, I miss you. There no words to describe how much you are missed every single day. There are reminders of you in my day to day routine. A day doesn't pass that you don't cross my mind a hundred times. The memories keep me from dwelling too long in sadness, loss, in tears. You are my best friend, Brian 

I'm trying to get right in my life, do some of the things we talked about. Andrew graduates in a few weeks, I will be there to see it for both of us. I'm making the trip permanent. A couple of months after you passed, it all finally fell apart for missy and I. I needed you and I couldn't talk to you. It made the pain worse. I admit I lost myself for awhile. I'm back now, though in what form, I'm not sure. I am starting over again. I need space and time away from here. To heal. To live. I've met a woman, who seems to be tailor made for me. We shall see. She lives close to lake city, which is one of a number of "signs" that made themselves apparent during the beginning stages. Im taking it as it comes. albeit it has come pretty fast. i think you'd like her. I do and i think she'll be good for me, she tells me I'm amazing and I don't see why but she does. I need that I think. She has been through a lot also, she's kinda incredible to have come through it all with a heart that can still love, so that being said the reasons to move to Michigan pile up and  you know me, brother, I go where my heart leads me

It's leading me to Michigan this time. 

  It feels a little late though, I can't help feeling that if I'd come sooner, things would be different. Wishful thinking from a grieving man . I will watch your boys grow into men and marvel at the young woman Kristin is now. Everything about them reminds me of you. I know you went through a lot in the last few years

I thought things were beginning to look up. Then you were gone from this mortal coil. You were everything that was good about me. You were a good man and a true brother. I will do my best to live up to being a father and grandfather now, and an uncle. I will be a better man bri  I owe you that. You were always there for me and mine. I will be there for yours. I love Brian. I think your looking down. I've thought I've felt you a time or two. More wishful thinking ? I don't believe so, but then again I'm a dreamer and a musician.

I believe everything can be fixed with a wish and the right song. Silly, I know but you have to believe in something. Why not magic and wonder and dreams ?

So keep watching little brother, this shit gonna be good 

Stay true 

;ps

Dreams, court ,& those damn eyes......

Hey there 

  So I haven't written in a while, life gets in the way sometimes . I had a dream the other night. Normal run of the mill dream I suppose. The interesting thing is that unlike a " normal" dream I kept waking up to reality for a few short moments and just as quickly falling back into the surrealness of my dreams. My mind didn't want to be awake but didn't like what I was dreaming about. A woman. A woman that I know, not as well as I would like, but we are friends. Not getting into detail, it was a very pleasent dream. The experience left me contemplating, again, my own reality.

Why did my subconscience not want to have this particular dream.  I quickly rationalized that it was because of the 

subject of my dream. It had to be.  I can't honestly say that I have feelings for her but in recent days I have found myself thinking alot about her.   I'm a grown man, and though it has been a decade and a half since I was really single and available, it's hard to go against what you've conditioned yourself for and that automatic reaction. The small amount of guilt I feel is a residual from a relationship that is dead and gone. So "what's the big deal?!?? " I say to myself. The answer is simple, she scares me. Most connections  at a personal level do. Not a overwhelming heart stopping kind of fear but one that causes you to run the opposite direction, screaming and yelling.

" oh hell no!!! " the brain says and the feet follow. It's not a literal escape but one we  put out to keep people at arms length. We all do it to some degree, even with relationships that aren't of the romantic variety. Work, family, friends and potential mates. So the trick is to recognize and defeat this autonomous reaction. Carpe deim, baby ! Easier said than done I'm most cases, since we don't normally realize we are doing it. Once you do, it can be a liberating. Freeing yourself to experience life in a pure form, without your own bullshit in the way. Running at things instead of from them. I've had flashes of this in my life, short lived but incredible. If your lucky, you can find that kind of center in your life and hang on to it, because you should fight for it with everything you got.  the other choice is to be forever " Chasing Amy". A life lived in regret is not a life worth living.  Regret nothing, expect everything 

Stay true 

;ps

Simple things are the best

Hey 

       I got a text from my dad "Aahhhh...A&W ROOT BEER FLOATS...It dont get no better'n this" he says. I told him I agree that it doesn't get any better.

The perfection of the root beer float defies explanation. It is a work of art in a frosty mug. Some of the best memories I have as a kid are making root beer floats with my mom and my sisters. 

           The text started me thinking of how many simple things in our world Are also perfect in their own way. Freshly mown grass , warm summer rains, the first snow. In Alaska we have a few that are unique for our state. The northern lights , fireweed ( a native flowering plant), summer nights that don't end, and the state fair in the fall. These are the things that are on my list anyway. Our state holds many things that are simple and wonderful. It's different everyone. Once you've gone to Alaska, you never come all the way back is the saying. Not to sound like an ad for the board of tourism but Alaska is also on that list. Because its as simple as where you live. We tend to complicate our lives on search of more when the reality is that simplicity IS more.

     If we find perfection in the simplest of things then the quest for something better becomes null and void. You found it already, search for the simple thing that makes something awesome. Do that and maybe we can find the awesome in each other, the simple thing that perfect about you and everyone.

Stay true 

PS

W T F

Any normal person faced with challenging situations, has two choices.

   To act or not act . It's pretty simple you've got to shit or get off the pot. 

 So into the never, once more dear friends. We can never tell if we are making the right decisions. in the end, it doesn't matter. We must deal with whatever life throws at us, like it or not.

   Life will continue with or without our participation. You can choose to live or be stagnant. How you make that choice is sometimes painful. Facing the truth about ourselves is never an easy task.

    It can reveal things about you that you either don't, can't or won't see or admit

   The truth , I mean the real truth , can be a bitch to reconcile. But in order to move forward, we must face ourselves.

Sometimes you just have to say " WTF" and go for it.

     Stay true 

       PS

Fear and loafing.........

Sometimes things in life that are supposed to be automatic, aren't.

Situations arise that defy logic, people didn't act/react the way we expect.

So we act/react in inappropriate ways 

Ways that defy logic, ways that if we had any sense what so ever, we wouldn't act on. Human emotion is a funny thing. Affairs of the heart complicate matters even further. Rational thought goes out the window. We make decisions based on emotion rather than what is truly best for us, causing ourselves more pain and agony. There are consequences for our actions we don't see at the time of such outbursts, things that have far-reaching implications that can effect things like finances, relationships and your freedom.

 I have made some if these choices in my own life and have/am dealing with those issues, not because its what I want but I have no choice. The bed you have made is the one you must lie in. 

In my search for what the hell is wrong with me, I've come to realize that fear is the basis for most if not all of the poor decisions I've made. Fear of rejection, of loss, of not being able to live up to someone else's expectations. Or having to take responsibility for someone else's well being. My fear has always been that I will work for everything I have always wanted, only to have it snatched away at the last moment. It was eventually,in a New York minute. Poof! Gone!  Like a joke who's punch line I don't get. "What?!?"

 The reality was that it was slipping away from me for a long time. A situation I neither dealt with or acknowledged. The slow death of a relationship is agonizing for both parties, but the fear of being alone overrides the unhappiness for awhile. In the end there is just nothing left to fight for.  Fear is the mind killer.   Sounds silly because its a movie quote( Dune for the uninitiated ) but it's rings quite true.  

The only thing that has stopped

 me has always been...... Me 

I must overcome myself if I am to succeed. Whatever that takes.

 Fear is the mind killer. 

Stay true

P

Blogs, Xmas and gunshots Happy New Year

Well. 2014   

Another year has started, another one has died. So many changes this year that my head is spinning from the whiplash of being yanked from emotion to emotion. Situation to situation.my life has never been an easy one, but 2013 was trying to  say the least . The end of era so to speak. In that everything has changed to an unrecognized point. The world looks foreign to me, an alien planet where everyone looks the same but they don't know who I am.  I ended a relationship to go back to " the one" I thought I'd grow old with . A relationship started that was unexpected and beautiful and exciting.

It terrified me so much, I allowed my insecurities to cause the end of not only that bond but to cause the end of a 15 yr love affair with the only woman I will ever love. My brother left this mortal coil, leaving me with regrets and unfinished things to say. I hadn't talk to him in months. By the end of the year I had been to jail for assault and depending on the few friends I have left to help me restart and rebuild, heartbroken and dejected . So 2013 can blow me. You suck !!! 2014 has to have some good coming my way . A couple of things in the horizon that looks promising in the coming year  so we will see what happens but guarantee something will

Stay true 

P

Beginnings

Today I start a task . It will be hard and it will be lengthy . I do not know how things will end up but it has to better than what I have put myself and others thru as of late .it will take a lot of looking long and hard at myself, admitting my faults, mistakes and wrongdoings . Owning my behavior and fixing some issues, putting the blame where it belongs. On my self.  

I don't expect many to have any faith I will do anything to change my situation . I expect nothing less . When those close to you get tried of hearing your voice , then change is in order . The man I have become I have become is not the man I wish to be. I have lost everything because of my refusal to allow anyone to tell me how to live or treat others . I am always right . Damn the consequences . I blame my refusal to take blame and insecurities about myself for my anger and control issues . I never feel good enough so sometimes I stop trying. As a way of living up(or down) to my low self opinion. I'm long winded and think I know more than I do . I was fooled by my own arrogance 

Trusting when I should have been on guard cause the wolf is always at the door. My reactions to bad news are more bad news most times. I can't stand not getting my way. Or feeling as though I am not in complete control. I treat the ones close to me like they don't matter so they can't love me because  I am unworthy of them.  Because I feel unworthy to even myself. I lend to much on my love ones when times are bad for me because I lack the inner strength to , emotionally, physically and some time financially  I am draining to the ones I love the most when I'm in a rut. When there is no hope . I am a work in progress, looking at ones self and your feelings and motivation is a good place to start .